Seeking grace.
Seeking peace.
Seeking kindness.
Oh yeah.
I was always under the impression
that when you are kind and generous to people,
that will come back to you.
I think better of that now.
It may come back,
but not necessarily from the source expected.
I have been going through past writings. When I wrote this, I was still coming to terms with the world, the reality of spiritual warfare and trying to move through an incredible amount of rejection, loss and total upheaval of the life that I had worked for, but was destroyed. It took me a long time to surrender. I had the notion that I was made to be in a relationship with another person. I had never entertained that I would ever be single and it took years to finally surrender my life to Jesus and accept whatever His plan was for me — single or married. It is His plan. I struggled with this for such a long time. When my husband left me, my world was up ended and that was when I was the most vulnerable. God used that time in my life to teach me some hard lessons. It was bitter. It was sweet. And in the end, I had to surrender. Surrender it all. Here is a writing I did during that turbulent, chaotic and difficult time.
Writing. Writing. Writing.
To get things out of my head.
Now there is nothing there.
Ironic.
Is there some human who will love me for me?
Does someone exist who can live peacefully?
Is there any mature, loving, giving, generous, compassionate, and passionate, humorous, grateful, God-loving man on this planet?
Is there someone special for me?
I am not a single kind of person.
I want to share my life.
How can good and evil exist in the same person?
The same question I once asked
that lead to a road less traveled.
And now I am forever changed.
And I struggle daily to feel connected with God.
With Jesus.
I am a believer, and yet I have this experience of deliverance – that 99.99% of the human population have NO clue what that is.
I don’t hide it. And perhaps I should, as my friends smile,
but have that look or horror on their face.
The other day, a colleague of mine, thought when I talked about deliverance, that meant I was saved.
Well, I am a baptized believing, praying, active, Christian.
I have been baptized in the Holy Spirit
by a group of charismatic nuns.
I have always believed in the God of Abraham
and in His only Son Our Lord, Jesus Christ.
So, learning that I had demonic spirits oppressing me from sins from my ancestors was enough to freak me out.
And then learning that I picked up demonic influences from my boyfriend who was cursed by a former girlfriend who was a witch – well that was enough to put me over the edge of reality.
Talk about epic existence.
And then also being told that I had been poisoned with a drink.
Takes me back to the day I walked into the monastery,
in utter desperation and asked the monk …
How could evil exist inside a devout Christian?
The series of events in my life after that, tops any epic movie or novel in existence. And the irony is that people would think that I am crazy. It has isolated me even more. And somehow, I am okay with that on some level — on some level.
But my life is forever changed.
I do despise the things of this world to the point of absurdity.